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The Biggest Hidden Club That This Uni's (N)ever Seen
Sunday, February 9, 2014 * : So. * : Huh? * : How do you like going back to school? * : Do you know who I am? * : No, I meant * : He means, "Are you okay with taking a university class when you're only ten?" * : I've been excited ever since we'd had that motivational speaker come to our school! [Flashback.] : : If you believe in yourselves, then you can... something for the Republic of Kenya! [Everyone cheers. End flashback; enter Pencil.] * : Avi, wot d'ye need fer tomorrow? * : Everything I usually bring: One rucksack, one small version of either you or Dad... * : [sarcastically] Oh, 'ow sad am I to 'a'e missed this. * : You know, boys, you should be the antonym of jealous. Un-jealous. * : Yes, who knows how happy students are when they lose all of their inventions because termites have to fumigate themselves from Ibáñez for a week? * : 't ain' thet bad. You can come with yer father to the university! * : Don't Daddy work? * : I could ask'e to ta'e the day off. * : Okay. * : Le' me ask'e now. [Enter Pen, apparently tired from sprinting up the stairs.] * : I'll call out. * : Thanks'ee. * : Aw, I just didn't want to hear you yell for me. * : Oh, you will one day. * : AAAAAAAAAAAAH! * : Wot was thet fer? * : Nobody was yelling, and I wanted to! * : Hahahaha [angrily] ha. Monday, February 10 * : Y'know, this would be the part o' the story 'n which the main character's bes' friend'd suddenly appear in the scene, all 'urried fer some reason. * : You're so good at breaking the fourth wall. * : In five, four, three, two [The door bursts open as the couple make their way into the living room. On the other side is Match.] * : Omg, omg, omg! * : Good mornin'! * : [deadpan] Sleep well? * : Oh, he was as beautiful as, like, a bonnie steed after being ridden by the healthiest of, like, jockeys. * : Thank'ee fer explainin' way more than wot was necessary. So why've'ee come 'ere so early int he mornin'? * : The mall! * : Wot? * : Eh? * : You know how, like, the mall we went to in high school is not the same as the mall we go to now? * : Aye! * : They've found the old mall! * : Wot? * : That's unbelievable! * : They did this archeogic study, like, about the past and, like, stuff, and * : Don't tell me, they've found the mall. * : [to Match] D'ye watch'e h'on the telly? * : Two nights ago, I was, like, with this arcologist and he, was, totally gorgeous! Like a bonnie steed after being ridden by, like, the health * : We heard you the first time. * : They're opening the mall up to frequent visitors, like, today! Come on, Penc-penc, we have to, like, go! * : But I'm doin' stuff round ther 'ouse today! * : What stuff round "ther 'ouse"? [Pencil thinks of something to say.] * : We leave at 1200 hours. * : We're going to the, like, mall! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA [Enter all of the children. A. R. I.] * : And hello to all you little, like, nieces and nephews! * : We were once asleep. * : Have I waken you? * : Sorry, it's just this sensor that goes off whenever you enter our house. * : I think it's a part of our bodies. * : Are you taking the littles to school today? * : No, e'erythin's bein' fumigated by termites. [Awkward silence.] * : Want to go to the mall? * : The old mall is totally boring! * : You knew about it? * : Not really. I heard rumours from somebody who, like, made a film about a mall, that there was a secret place in Kenya that looked so different long ago! * : Wow. * : 'Ow don't you know thet? * : Because this new mall is so much, like, better! Where else can you get a large hot dog, your mobile phone repaired and, like, fifty clothes all in the same colour? * : Your bedroom after dinner with the IT guy. [Match looks at him, confused until she begins to look as if she's about to slap him. Saye laughs a bit.] * : Kids, that meant absolutely nothing. * : Dad, aren't we going to be late for school? * : Of course! To the university we shall go. Who's coming? * : Nah. * : I'm too young for college! * : Not me, I have to stay behind and recreate my things that were destroyed by termites! [Exit Sio.] * : What's his problem? * : He was probably forced to listen to your complaining about me all last night. [A university, rather different from that of "Le Voyage dans la Poubelle" This one is much larger and is pretty much the young adult equivalent of the Ibáñez school. Javier and Pen arrive at a parking garage.] * : Wow, guest parking. And only for 350 Ksh. * : I'm surprised your other brothers and sisters haven't decided to come. This place is amazing! ["Amazing" echoes throughout the garage.] * : Dad, we have not even looked at the school yet. * : I know, but I kind of wished that the rest of you could experience what I couldn't. * : You can stay on campus while I'm in class! The IUN is famous for at least three kosher eateries. * : I hardly follow that. [They approach the main campus. Javier begins to venture in another direction.] * : Bye, Dad, I need to head to General Thermodynamics and Applied Proto-Biophysics 4C.Not a real thing, as far as I'm concerned. But university courses resemble this a bit. * : Have fun being a general! * : Bye! [They separate.] * : And those other words. [Crossfade to Pen walking around the school, with a few people recognised from high school waving at him. He stops and finds a flier. It is not seen what is on it, but he takes out his phone and types something.] * : I find'e difficult to believe thet we could get 'ere on foot. Are all ye kids okay? * : Of course! * : We walk here all the time. * : Well, I'm sorry, but you can't see, like, the inside of my car right now! I need to get it cleaned! * : Match, thet's gross. 'A'ee fergotten thet we're in Kenya? * : Sorry, but, like, Eraser's been, like, eating crisps and throwing them on the seat * : That's not so bad! * : whenever I mentioned the name of a guy I, like, did the hokey-pokey with * : [agitated] Okay, we're 'ere! Now ne'er mention thet again. * : When's this mall thing going on? * : There'e a Revitalisation Cerem'ny in an hour er so, we could wait fer thet. * : Or we could get food. * : Aye, I'm 'ungry; 'o's with? *'Kids': Me! * : Match, you're stayin' with us. * ; Aw, like, why? * : I can't lose me bes' friend! * : And I can't lose mine! * : Great, now kiss. * : Sure, we can go to Kiss's Ice Cream Shop. An' let's march! * : Mum, it's only cool when Dad does it. * : Oi, yer dad's probably busy doin' stuff at university. P'r'aps 'e's joined the life of a typical young man at 'is age, sharin' caps an' stuff, learnin' East African studies, regrettin' thet 'e's been gone married to me! [She begins to cry.] * : Mum, it will be okay! * : He's just eating kosher food! * : Oi, thet er 'e's wanderin' a strange land full o' strangers, 'om 'e's ne'er seen before. * : So we meet again after high school with Mr Popular. * : You are so lucky that you are not struggling, with your lack of university studies. * : How is it that you have become a four-star general and you're considered such a gallant veteran at the age of twenty-four? * : Yeah, we might be the same age, but I've got to go to the service in a year, almost! * : Exactly, and all of this while we are stuck here at university? * : I'd never learnt to continue my education. It is something I should like to do, but it's something I could probably never go back to. * : Is that so? * : My mum's in school. It's not too late to start! * : I've got ten kids and a wife. [Everyone gasps.] * : My, what a woeful life you've got there. * : You could kill someone with those toxic words. * : Isn't preventing death one of your idiosyncrasies? * : Never mind, I regret saying that. * : Well, I've got to go. * : Goodbye! [A. R. I. Pen goes into one of the more hidden rooms in the school and closes the door.] * : Wait, if he has a wife, then why is he * : Shut up, Toivo, your country's just enacted laws about that. * : Mm-hmm. * : Hello, friend! * : Hi! * : It appears as though one of us has entered through the wrong door, and that means that you will be given a... paper! [He hands him a small piece of paper.] * : I suggest that you find something with which to write, and I don't mean yourself. * : [awkwardly] Ah ha ha. * : Sorry, was that offensive? I know some people here have some issues with the way they * : Oh, no, it's good. Am I in the middle of a meeting? * : Not exactly. [Ammolite pops up behind Cake.] * : We were just having lunch. * : Ruby's sister, how're you doing? * : You're, like, one of my sisters' old friend's husband, was it? * : Yeah. Do other members of the gemstone family come to this school? * : A few Some were too dumb so they went to the Norwegian U, and the others dropped. * : Oh, dropping out isn't such a bad thing! * : So you two are in knowledge of each other! That's good; you've got someone for our team-building activity later. In the meantime, fill out our form and hand it to our club president thereupon. * : To which I must say, . Who is our leader? * : Oh, you'll know them from television, the ever-effervescent Paintbrush! [Enter Paintbrush, someone whom the children have watched on Insanity. They are the club leader.] * : Greetings, friends and friends of friends. It seems like we have reached a new day. [They all sit down.] * : Got anything planned for today? * : Well, not really. But what can you expect after... * : Does this always happen? * : We don't often get things done. It's really no problem; you just have to get into the spirit. * : Can do that. Can do that. * : It's Monday, so how were your weekends? [A handful of responses.] * : Our first activity today is called Waridi, Mwiba, Ua. As you know, what you do is... * : We'll be taking awhile; there are about fifty people here. * : Can wait. Can wait. * : Hello, hello. Waridi: I got promoted to the second alto saxophone in the jazz band. [Everyone applauds.] * : Mwiba: My father still does not respond to my messages. Ua: People should be much more tolerant in the future. [Everyone applauds.] * : It's very lucky thet we've a Shōha we can go to. * : Eh, there's another one on the first floor. * : There always is; this is the number one place to go for people our age. [Enter Match.] * : You'll, like, never guess what I've got! * : A new man? * : No, like, the daily special espresso. You really think I'm in love, like, 23/7? * : Isn't it 24/7? * : No, I'm, like, occupied for at least one hour. You know. * : I don't. 'Ow longs'e 'til the mall gets revealed? * : [checking her phone] About twenty minutes. * : Yay, now we've got time to eat! [All walk around the mall to what used to be a wall. Beyond it is the remnants of the old shopping centre, a scene remembered for being a main scene from the first few series. Nothing has changed except the colours have faded.] * : Omg! * : It's... it's... * : Is this where you went when you were young? * : "Where you went when you were young" that's a whole lot of semi-vowels. * : O' course! * : This was the backdrop to, like, a lot of encounters. [points in one direction] That's where I met #358! [points another way] And that's where #120 and I shared at least thirty mini cupcakes! * : You've certainly seen a lot of things! * : Oh, yeah. * : You wonder why they don' tear e'erythin' down. This is all too h'emotional ter 'andle. * : Wait a minute, wait a minute! * : What's that? * : We came here expecting a big show, and we're stood here instead, looking at the remains of a building that only Nairobi's oldest of residents can remmeber! * : [trying not to be offended] Thanks'ee, me boy. * : Something's wrong. [She checks her phone again.] * : It doesn't make any sense! Like, we are supposed to begin at 2. * : 2. * : What about that guy over there? [They look at a man, who has been scouting the old shopping centre through a pair of binoculars.] * : He's probably waiting for the zombie apocalypse. * : Oi, thet ain't a way to refer to the Biblical Rapture as. * : Ngeh. * : Maybe he's a mall cop. * : Hasn't anything to do with that. * : I mean, they are trying to do their jobs. * : Match, you're an encyclopaedier o' this city's men. 'O's thet? * : Omg, just because I let myself live doesn't mean I don't know who [She looks up.] * : It's the archogist I was due companionship, like, back then. Let me say, like, I want nothing to do with him! * : Why's'e? * : We were doin' our, like, thang, and Eraser, like, came home! I was so embarrassed because Eraser was, like, berating this poor dude because of his, like, nerdiness or whatever that I can't bare to, like, say anything to him. * : Why would Uncle Eraser come home? * : [sarcastically] He had to tend to his flocks of sheep. * : so I don't care much if that man, like, comes up. * : Hubi. * : Hello, Bubob! Wonderful night, like, eh? * : Yubes. Whubut brubings yubou hubere? * : We want to check the re-life ceremony. Like, Bubob, this is my best friend, Pencil, and nine of her kids. * : 'Ello! [A. R. I.] * : Yubou ubare ubaskubing ubabubout thube çuberubemubonuby? * : [Aside, to Match.] Wot language's 'e speakin'? I know mos' speaks known to the glottologue, but this is totally foreign! * : Bubob speaks Ubbi Dubbi. * : Ah. * : [loudly] Nubice tubo mubeat yubou! * : [to Match] Thube çuberubemubonuby hubas ubalrubeaduby hubappubened. * : What, what are you, like, talking about? * : Wube uboffubiciuballuby stubartubed ubat mubidgubight, uba tubime ubat whubich nubobuboduby cubame bubecubause wube wubere guboing buby thube tubime zubone ubof uba plubace whubere shuboppubing çubentubres ubare uball tuboo cubommubon * : What the hell are you talking about? * : [deadpan] We're out of here. [Exeunt filii.] * : I'm sorry, but as I was saying, you've missed the opening cere * : Oh, wait, I thought'ee jus' spoke in th' Ub language. * : No, I can also speak English and Kiswahili. The ubbing really attracts the kids, though. * : Like, why did you speak to me in your kid-language the whole, like, time? * : I imagined myself having kids with you. Loads and loads of kids. [Match and Pencil are speechless for a few seconds.] * : Ladies and gentlemen, the reason I, like, broke up with him. * : Oi, I thought 't 'appened when Eraser was * : Let's, like, not. * : Yoylecake. * : To you, Ammolite. * : Let's see... For Waridi, I got my first pay cheque on Friday! [Everyone claps.] * : For Mwiba, someone said somthing horrible while I was walking to class, and for Ua... I hope that the situation in this country can get better. [Everyone claps.] * : To you, Ruby's friends. * : Er... hi. Waribi: I spent about five minutes at the school store and surprisingly found things I could afford. Mwiba, well, my son's in this thermodynamics class right now and can't use his mobile and, y'know, Ua, I hope the mall gets fixed. [Silence.] * : Oh my gosh, would one look at the time, one of the Khoi-San classes is starting in about ten minutes; I should really time these activities. Goodbye, and I hope to see some of you tomorrow. [A. R. I. of valediction.] * : We shall meet again. * : Yeah, someday. * : You mean Tuesday! * : Ah ah ah ah! [Exeunt. People trickle into the class.] * : Er, Ruby's friend, can we talk? * : Sure. * : I noticed that many of us were staring you down, kind of negatively. * : Yeah, not to be rude, but what's with that? * : They think you are a government spy. * : A spy? Well, I do guess those old British spy movies do have an effect on how I'm seen, eh? * : Oh, it's not that. Nearly everyone recognises you. * : How? BFDI wasn't that popular, and hardly anyone remembers when I was on BFDIA. I should know; I've asked around. * : No, the dirty magazine. * : Right. The "Cap-turbated" section of Soldiers' Weekly; I was the centrefold. * : Now, you haven't come here to spy on us. I shouldn't want the authorities to know about our... [looks around] secret club. * : Right. I promise, Fearless Leader Paintbrush, I'm not from the government. I've come on my own will. * : Oh. I don't intend to be insensitive, but... [looks around] Are you... * : No, no, not that. I am... well, I was... Darn, this is hard to say to someone I've just met * : Don't worry, Schreiber, I totally understand. * : You do? Please don't tell anyone. * : I won't. What happens here... is a part of this room and none but that. * : Well, thank you for being someone I could talk to. [to one of the Tuu students] He's a good friend. [Silence.] * : She? * : They, them, nice to meet you. * : Ditto. [Exeunt.] * : And then everybody started to share their stories, and I never realised how easily I had it. * : Is this the club led by Paintbrush at th' University? * : Yeah, how did you know? I thought this was a secret! * : I'm popular, m8. You ne'er came down fer dinner; 's e'erythin' all right? [She turns on the television.] * : I think so. I've just been in here, thinking. * : Shows on the VCR thet you've been binge-watchin' Bottom Gear. * : I can't help it. But you can't deny that this club has got me thinking. * : H'if you don' like'e, then don' go tomorrow. * : It's not that, it's... * : You're tryin' to find yerself an' sendin' yer objectitarian aid to th' oppressed people o' this land by 'elpin' 'em. * : What's wrong with that? [Pause as Pencil gets up.] * : [as though speaking to an invisible audience] Ladies an' gentlemen, the reason I'm, like, still in love with'e. * : Aw, you. [They kiss.] * : So how was your day? * : Shall I replay wot I've said to the children? * : Sure. [Flashback.] : : [reporting from what appears to be a rideshare car] Match, stop flirtin' with our driver; can't'ee see his weddin' band? : : No, that's my post-lunch snack. Onion rings. Mmmm. : : Yeah, Penc-penc, I know what a wedding band looks like. Omg, I, like, loiter around the jewellery store and lure singles over, like, like a fish! : : Don't you mean, bait? : : Anyway, Match, you knows the plan fer tomorra, yeah? : : Like, totally! We meet sometime in the morning, make beautiful, like, as much stores as we can. : : Thet's your job, actually. It's mine to check th' infrastructure an' see h'if things are up to code. : : Ooh, how do you know that? : : I saw'r'e h'on the telly. [Silence.] You kids doin' fine back there? : : Yes, Mummy! : : Thank goodness for technology to distract us from the big picture! [End flashback.] * : So you're fixing up the shopping centre? That's great, Penc. * : Ah, well, y'know... * : Anything to protect our memories of that place. Some of our greatest moments were held at that mall. Remember when we all went out and Blocky got into that fight with the rival gang? * : Me God, 'ow they kicked us out. When I'm done with thet restaurant, they'll 'a' no choice but to kick me back in. * : I like your way of thinking. * : I like yer you. [She turns off the main lights.] * : Hey, who's up to batch-watch Bottom Gear? Tuesday, February 11 * : Hey, watch this! * : What is it? [He throws a basketball out the window.] * : Won't the neighbours be mad at us? * : , we don't even know their names! * : [who has been writing the whole time] The new ones, Mr. and Mrs. Mwangi. * : Weren't the old neighbours also called Mr. and Mrs. Mwangi? * : It's a rather common name. * : Who are you writing to? * : The school board. * : Our school board? * : No, the Education Department of Western Australia. * : Trying to get school cancelled even longer, eh? * : Nope! Trying to get it open soon. * : Why you little [Enter Pencil.] * : Wot's goin' on 'ere, boys? I've a good mind to make'ee come with us to the shoppin' centre again. * : We'll be good, Pencil. Avi just wants to write for school to open. * : Wot'n'ale? * : I can't help it, mother, I need a friendly, well-to-do institution! At university yesterday, everyone was so mean. No one even stopped to pay attention to the only ten-year-old in the classroom! * : This might be hard ter 'ear, but not e'erythin's about you. I'd to learn thet the difficult way. * : Do we have to go to the mall? * : Er... I suppose not. Sio, 're'ee busy? * : I should be in my room all day re-inventing stuff destroyed by termites! * : Alright, let me call yer sisters an' tell 'em thet * : We can stay home, Mummy? * : Aye. 'Ow on earth * : We've come as soon as Mum was about to yell. * : Yeah. * : [Aside.] 'm I really thet loud? [Aloud.] Okay, young people, go back downstairs. Yer aunt Match'll be 'ere any minute an' I'm meant to check out the way she's arranged. [Exeunt Pencil and the girls.] * : What's the latest 'vention, Sio? * : Can't say... because I don't know. * : Is it a device to solve conveniently the most pertinent problems that are affecting us as a family? * : No. But that's a good idea; I'll write it down. * : I feel shaking, but I've eaten breakfast! * : It means that she comes in five, four, three, two [A knock. Pencil opens the door; Match is on the other side, looking rather bizarre.] * : Hello, my people! [A. R. I.] * : Wow, Match, y'looks great! I ne'er knew you fish! * : I don't fish. I go to that, like, gourmet place in Scotland. Scotland Street. * : Ooh, ha ha... * : Well, Lallie, you're the young fashion expert. Like, roast me as any ways you, like, can. * : Honestly, you can do better. * : No offence. * : Like, none taken. * : Wot brings'ee to the shoppin' centre-cleanin' business lookin' like thet? * : I just wanted to spice things up. * : Match, we're workin' women. Contributin' members of a society thet don' care fer wot you put on, fer the mos' part. * : Not caring about what people, like, think? That's, like, totally uncool. * : [to the other girls] Uncool, like how Aunt Match is going to feel after sweating in hard labour! * : Haha, I sweat fire! [Enter Pen.] * : Morning, everyone! * : We sure are. * : I've called work and told them. * : [worried] Wot'd they say? * : Not much. There's been a huge decrease in Internet crime ever since, y'know, your dad shut down half of the Internet. Today, I'm going back to the university. * : Wot? * : I feel like the introductions have yet to be finalised. * : Ah, I see. [The children all look confused.] * : Father, I am staying home today. I haven't any classes. * : Yes, that's nice, well, I've got to head out now, goodbye. [Exit.] * : You married weird. * : Aye, but at leas' I married. Category:Episodes Category:New episode